I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
