I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
