Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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