Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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