I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
