By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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