Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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