you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
