Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
