Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
