We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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