yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
