the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
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he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.