Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
