he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
