I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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