I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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