I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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