This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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