My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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