does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
