My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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