i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
