John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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