i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
