he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
