i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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