does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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