I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sext me about skeletons
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
