C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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