Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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