I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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