I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
