I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
