just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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