Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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