You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
