When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
