The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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