Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bring me that man meat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize