So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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