So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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