Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
