Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
