if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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