Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
