Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
