I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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