i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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