I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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