naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
