ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
