i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
