your room smells of hookers.
And success
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
