Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
