i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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